The massive festival season hype has slowly started to roll away, which means it’s about time someone outed the typical performers that stumble into this massive event. All performers fit into five categories, and a singer for each one will immediately come to mind.
The Headliner
While people try to watch smaller artists at large festivals, the real show is the headliners. You might get suffocated, but when else are you going to be 25 feet away from the lyrical genius who wrote, “Yeah, you got that yummy-yum.” The headliner will spit on the floor, yodel for three minutes, then sit in silence for another seven, and the crowd will still erupt in cheers. The next day, you’ll wake up to 500 posts from all the influencers posting their performance across every social media platform imaginable. Instagram, TikTok, SnapChat, YouTube, you name it!
The Overperforming Diva
Your parents may not understand the appeal of their performance, but teens and millennials who are 16-year-old wannabes know that it is a rite of passage to witness a diva like this in action. This flashy performer makes festivals exciting to dress up for, even though their management team has them wearing five times the FDA-recommended amount of glitter.
The Indifferent Entertainer
This entertainer could be performing on their couch with a bag of chips or at America’s largest music festival, and the audience would still not be able to tell the difference. They are the most unconcerned people at festivals, and their casual sets offer a break from the roaring madness. This performer is either here for the sake of their management team, which has been protesting the performer’s slacking attitude, or to show how nonchalant and effortless they are on TikTok.
The Unsuspecting
Absent from every festival poster, this performer kept their attendance on the down-low, making sure to only walk in the shadows until it was time for their set. Making sure not to post for a few days was incredibly difficult for the entertainer. Their performance took everyone by surprise, left attendees with their jaws dropped, broken down and crying. It will take four business days to recover, and this artist knew that even without marketing, they would be a huge hit at any music fest.
The Hermit Who Left Their Shell
This performer had not been seen for at least nine years before appearing for a comeback and surprising fans who had almost given up hope. The hermit has long watched the internet’s cry for their return and has finally relaxed long enough to want to stir up some drama with a surprise reappearance. When the Hermit finally comes out, so will the community of die-hard baby hermits (the hermit’s devoted fans) that have been deprived of their nutrients for years. The performance will be just enough to resuscitate them for another nine years as the hermit makes its way back to its shell.
